Tag: life

I feel like I have turned into a caterpillar these last few weeks. I feel silly using the caterpillar to butterfly analogy. Like, please don’t bring it up to my face, but it’s such a valid feeling for me. The last few years of my life have focused on taking care of my oldest daughter (first) and her younger siblings (second). I have tried to take care of my husband but mostly gave that job up except for a bout of vertigo this year. I have sat at the very bottom of the list for a very long time. I think that this is a common practice, for women (especially mothers) take care of everyone else before themselves. It’s time to re-evaluate things and put myself at the top of the list. Last week London hit his head really hard and was unable to remember the last few weeks and every 15 seconds was asking me the same questions over and over again.  What is today?  Why am I not at school? Where is Dad? What happened? Why am I bleeding? He cut his lip open and was bleeding and the questions didn’t stop coming and his short term memory(read the rest)

I gave up working on the steps I am taking to a somewhat normal life during the last 7 or 8 days. This past week has been a blur and has felt so strange, very not normal. The only two feelings that keep coming to mind are: 1. I feel like I have left my baby in the maternity ward and I am home. I should be with her. It is painfully quiet at night without her yelling for me. The first night I had the wind taken from my lungs when I snuck past her bed (in the dining room) to grab a glass of water before I went to sleep. I looked over toward her bed on my way into the kitchen and saw she wasn’t there. The resulting feeling was terrible. That feeling was actually worse than how I felt when I had unpacked her stuff and settled into her new room and walked away from her hospital cottage with an empty suitcase. AN EMPTY SUITCASE. 2. This is similar to how I will feel when she is gone forever. I’m sure friends who have lost children will tell me I have no idea what I am(read the rest)

Normal is a really funny word.  It’s a standard we all seem to want to achieve but shy away from.  When we feel less than normal we become disconnected.  I don’t really care for “normal” but “normal” is subjective.  My “normal” is a bit odd, overachieving, overly enthusiastic about EVERYTHING.  I haven’t felt myself because I have been inside my house A LOT because of my daughter’s disease, a bit of depression (I think), divorce and a handful of children who don’t want to go anywhere.  My mind has been telling me that I will go back to my “normal” once my oldest daughter moves into the residential hospital school that she was accepted into (she moves in 8 days). Getting back to normal is kind of like starting a diet.  You binge on all of your favorite junk foods, gaining a bit more weight, and go cold turkey on THE BIG DAY!!!  My getting back to normal started a few days ago when I thought it was silly to get deeper into the hole and trying to climb out. My diet, my getting back to normal started last week when I started leaving the house.  I have taken 4(read the rest)

Another installment of my life is below. Life is not always Facebook pretty. This morning: So picture me in yesterday’s yoga pants and tank top with plaid shirt over the top. I’m doing my morning chores, a little more relaxed because school is closed today due to the winter storm that is finishing up. While I’m making coffee, getting my 13 year old on the toilet to pee, drawing her bath, dishes, laundry, etc… I’m also reliving yesterday. Going through my head are the scenes from last night… And I step in dog poop in my new $10 flip flops from Santa. I promise that I let the dog live. I didn’t want to… Last night: The kids have been home for 2 weeks. I made a beautiful ham dinner that I call “thanksgiving” and it’s the same dinner I make every week to show gratitude weekly rather than yearly. Ham, gravy, peas, cranberry sauce, and special mashed potatoes. It’s pretty awesome and a favorite with my kids. I call my kids in to the kitchen so I can make them a plate because, like us grow ups, kids don’t all like the same exact combo. 1 hates gravy, 1(read the rest)

I’m at a point in my life where I believe that people who don’t struggle on a daily basis with at least one major issue aren’t in touch with life.  Who they really are, what they really want, how they really feel. I have been struggling with my internal feelings of being worthy and being good enough and have been thinking about this struggle a great deal.  This really expands on my life long belief that states “everyone has something.” I have realized in my quest for understanding that people who struggle with that beautiful feeling of believing they are good enough, believing they are worthy… These people also struggle with feeling vulnerable. I do an impressive job of looking like I have my life together despite some very tragic details.  My husband and I have been separated since July, my oldest daughter is dying from a genetic disease that I had hidden inside of me and I live with the guilt of marrying my oldest’s father after knowing him only a week (a detail which would have prevented this disease in my daughter). Guilt over being depressed, guilt over not finding some way (although it is truly nearly impossible)(read the rest)

Earlier this year I read a book called Crazy Time, it was recommended to me by my husband (who I am currently separated from) to help get through the emotions / motions of separation, divorce or whatever label you want to put on where we are at.  Here is a link to the book on Amazon, its actually a pretty good read that explains a lot about relationships (not just romantic ones). Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Rebuilding a New Life The funny part about the book in relationship to my life is that you really can’t just build a new life when you have kids, have a dying child and work with your spouse.  Splitting up is easy enough to do, just have some wine or whiskey on hand for when the nights get lonely.  But its the aftermath of the split that you have to be super careful with when you have children.  It’s especially hard with a sick child, and having a special needs or terminally ill child will often bring families to the edge of divorce.  Loving my children means loving their father, he hasn’t done anything to me or our children that makes our damage(read the rest)

Today the installation of MySQL on one of my biggest servers decided to die (it was post upgrade) and multiple phone calls, emails and texts followed.  My customers are always great, I am really lucky.  I worked my butt off to get it fixed and even with patient customers, a server issue always presents itself in a very stressful manner since so many people rely on technology working.  Working NOW.  NOW!!!  Always working.  Luckily server issues are rare. This is my best friend.  Her name is Meredith but we mostly call her “Ninja.”  Yes, my son’s dog was named after her (it was her idea, who am I kidding).  It’s nice to have a friend who calls and calls you back 3 times throughout the aforementioned rough day to make sure you aren’t ready to jump off a bridge.  I’ve known her for 10 years but we were on a break (ha, a “Friends” reference) after we were mutually insensitive to each other while we were going through really hard times.  Our fight (which wasn’t really a fight because I hate confrontation and avoided her like the plague) is something that I will forever regret.  I’m grateful to have her(read the rest)

So I have this awesome friend who has this awesome husband (ok, he’s not awesome awesome – I’m just afraid of him after being trapped in a bathroom last April) and two cool sons. It is my goal this summer (or sooner) to get the Triplets out to Denver and have her son, Nick, take some portraits of my kids.  He does awesome work for a kid (he will always be a kid because I am too young to have friends with teenagers) and I wanted to share. Check out: Off Road Colorado Photography   Hopefully he will add some more of his work to his facebook page… 🙂

In life we do a lot of waiting.  Waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for a check to arrive in the mail, waiting in line (at Disney World if you’ve been lucky enough to go).  What purpose does it serve to  wait for things in life? The big life changing things that you want to do but can’t.  For many people I know, they put off the big life changing stuff because they are afraid.  I know how that is, it has happened to be a few times in life.  Generally speaking, change doesn’t make me fearful or anxious because I think change can be really good.  Most of the changes in my life have worked out well. I want to make some big changes in my life right now but my life is very much like a giant cruise ship.  It doesn’t turn on a dime the way a speedboat does.  Slow, steady, calculated.  It’s frustrating as hell for me but its my reality. Hurry up and wait.  I just worry (occasional worry that crosses my mind, not the all consuming worry that keeps you up at night) that when the waiting is over, that something catastrophic will(read the rest)

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