Today we had a BBQ at our place with a couple of families. Last night we had 3 kiddos sleep over. Its hard to see Rachel feel left out because of the symptoms of her disease or how kids, to know fault of their own, want to get away from her. I have to find some way to continue to have playdates with other children and take Rachel under my wing so she can be the big sister. She definitely does much better interacting with the adults she meets, probably because they are more understanding. I don’t know. I’m trying to be a good mother to my normal children, sort out this disease in my head and be a good mom to Rachel and protect her from further pain in her life. This is so complicated and sad and I just try and block out the “sad” as much as possible so I can work through the “life” and the “complicated” as fast as my mind will process.
We had a good weekend. The kids loved having friends over and I loved having the cake John bought. I ate way too much of it but I really don’t give a shit. Cake washed down my feelings, kept a smile on Rachel, Julie, London and Boston’s Mommy’s face. And sometimes all they need to see is their Mommy smiling and the world will be okay.