→BLOG

Todd and I took the kids to Rainbow Lakes outside of Nederland, Colorado the weekend before Labor Day Weekend. Rachel’s urn in tow. These are the pictures Todd took. ❤️

It has been 139 days since my daughter died and I still haven’t been able to write her obituary.  I don’t want anyone else to write it or any offers of help, it’s something I feel I must do on my own. 139 days feels like a grain of sand on a very large beach.  Like no time has passed.  Like it was yesterday.  It still surprises me how much harder it gets with the more time that passes. I need a road trip.  Maybe that will give me some inspiration to write a tribute to my daughter, one that she really deserves.

I wanted to perch the urn on the tree behind them but I didn’t do it for their sake. Julie starts 8th, London 6th and a Boston 5th.  They are all taking a bunch of science classes in their Friday Homeschooling Enrichment. Julie is super excited about sewing class, one step closer to being ready for the zombie apocalypse….. 🙂 I am missing their sister like crazy. I was definitely a ball of tears on the drive to the kids Friday school.

julie camping in jeep wrangler 2015 jku

Took the kids camping a week or two ago and had a great time!  Looking forward to getting out there and doing more primitive camping.  We had no problems eating vegan and were all quite cozy.  Julie slept in my jeep, the boys slept in a 2 man tent and Todd and I slept on an air mattress in my Eureka Tent (Colorado made). Julie even took her first turn behind the steering wheel!

It has been my goal for many years to be able to be successful while maintaining the ability to be mobile as much as possible.  I had 4 young children, my oldest was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal brain disease.  I was one of those few, true candidates for a mobile office.  Not knowing if I was going to a hospital or if my child had a seizure at school.  I have literally been ready at any minute to drop everything and run.  Now that my daughter has died I still like the flexibility of bringing my work with me.  Why can’t I work from a tent in the middle of the Rocky Mountains? (Generally speaking the internet doesn’t live in the Mouintains but that is another post for another day). I have been really excited about testing the limits in having a mobile office, especially since I have a lot of extra time on my hands with my daughter being gone.  I am a bit of a wanderlust and I love traveling! I have always felt that working on websites and digital marketing is the perfect job and I have had a ridiculous amount of people tell me how(read the rest)

One of Rachel’s favorite movies. Rachel became a vegan before she died, perhaps you can try a vegan meal in her honor.

The triplets are taking a bike class at a recent Rec center all week. I didn’t know it was there, about 2 blocks from where Rachel was in school. I have to drive past it 20 times this week. She isn’t inside in a classroom, waiting for donuts or me to bring her something. She isn’t anywhere. My mind still lives in escape mode, that she is alive, she will just be back later. Passing buildings where she might be existing inside and return from “later” tears open my mind’s game and rips me back into reality. The worst feeling I’ve ever felt. I hate this life. The only escape is sleep and alcohol.

It’s amazing and terrifying the difference a year makes. 2017 2016 is at the top. Another Batten family sent us free tickets again this year and the boys were so excited to go.  I am very grateful for kind gestures like these and swallow my grief so the boys can attend without pain or grief themselves.  Thank you Kristine! <3

Hello.  We haven’t talked in quite some time I know I haven’t been the best Of moms, hello, I’ve been traveling in the desert of my mind And I Haven’t found a drop Of life I haven’t found a drop Of you, I haven’t found a drop I haven’t found a drop Of water Water I try desperately to run through the sand As I hold the water in the palm of my hand ‘Cause it’s all that I have and it’s all that I need and The waves of the water mean nothing to me But I try my best and all that I can To hold tightly onto what’s left in my hand But no matter how, how tightly I will strain The sand will slow me down and the water will drain I’m just being dramatic, in fact, I’m only at it again As an addict with a pen, who’s addicted to the wind As it blows me back and forth, mindless, spineless, and pretend Of course I’ll be here again, see you tomorrow, but it’s the end of today End of my ways as a walking denial My trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head(read the rest)

1 2 3 4 5 115