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Something I want to write down to remember, to put into words… When Rachel died, a small part of me felt relief.  For me.  For her.  Some people who have a child die after a very long illness don’t feel this way and some won’t admit to feeling this way. But I felt a small piece of relief when she died.  I feel incredibly guilty for this feeling.  My daughter died after suffering for a long time.  It wasn’t, usually, painful for her.  But emotionally, she missed out on several good years of life.  Batten Disease robbed her of her sight, her ability to walk, function normally, her friends and her childhood. It got harder and harder to take care of her.  Listening to her talking incessantly.  The diapers that followed.  She couldn’t leave the house, she didn’t really want to leave the house.  It was really hard on her.  Hard on me. Hard on her siblings. There was definitely a strain on our relationship that grew more obvious to me as she got more affected by Batten Disease, as more of her brain cells died.  I am sure that part of my feeling of relief comes from the strain(read the rest)

They aren’t really triplets but so close in age that I started calling them that, especially after Rachel was diagnosed. It was easier than saying 1, 2, 3 and 4 because I knew at some point “Thing 1,” Rachel wouldn’t be here. And here we are. This is a picture of the kids taken by a photographer at their Homeschool Enrichment Program. I purchased the rights to share this picture on social media and make prints but I think she deserves credit. 🙂 Elizabeth Osberg Photography

Lots of folks still haven’t updated their website with 2018 copyright information as well as added their social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn) to their website. Give me a shout and I can make updates for you… inexpensively. Adding a cute image giving a nod to our London trip for attention. ❤

I forgot it was picture day at Homeschool Enrichment and I’m on a budget so I didn’t buy any packages. I took these of the kids, quickly, as we were headed into school. The bottom picture is Rachel from a few years ago while we were waiting for the bus. Julie London Boston Rachel : 2014 or 2015

My Aunts, Uncle, Cousins and their kiddos + dog went to visit my Rachel right before Christmas. They made her a Christmas tree out of roses. She would have like to have touched the tree, very tactile for a blind kid. How I wish things could be different.

Someone left a present each for me and the kids on our doorstep on Christmas morning. It was very thoughtful but I’d really like to be able to thank the generous soul. Thank you very much. Please come forward, I’d feel really good to be able to thank you.

I have decided to spread Rachel’s ashes in England.  It is a place she always wanted to go but wasn’t able to visit. I have plenty of family there and I feel confident in my decision to put her cremated remains to rest.  I can’t believe I am going to leave her on another continent but its all the more reason to return as soon as I am financially able. I had to purchase a real urn so Norwegian Airlines will let me bring her and I’ll bring her death certificate just in case. I’ll donate the urn or chuck it when I’m done.  Trying to find a place to spread her ashes, legally, and pick a few nice words to say. It will be my kids, partner and my parents. I have to find a place to spread her ashes.  Any suggestions in London, Weymouth or Cardiff, let me know. These are three poems I found: She is gone – By David Harkins You can shed tears that she is gone or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she’s(read the rest)

I’ve been busting my ass this past month.  Trying to bring myself back into the land of the living.  Therapy, a physical, multiple medication appointments to slow my racing mind.  I’m redoing our website for Geek Media in line with coming back from England.  Headed to England in a week and a half. I signed up to start a 500 hour, comprehensive, Yoga Teacher Training as I want to teach yoga classes for grief and healing.   Rachel died 188 days ago.  6 months without her, it feels like she died yesterday.  People think that losing a child gets easier with time and I can say after 6 months it seems to be getting harder.  I know I’ll never be “right” with her death.  This trip to England should have been organized by Rachel, not taken in her memory. London and Boston had their birthdays and my kiddos are now Forever 16, 13, 12 and 11.   I have been offered a part time job at amazon at night sorting packages for delivery.  I’m actually looking forward to it despite the low wage.  An excuse to get out of the house in a 1 million square foot facility, 4 minutes(read the rest)

Weeks before Boston’s 11th birthday I came across a picture from his third birthday party and decided I wanted to try and inexpensively recreate the picture.  I think I nailed it without spending a fortune.  The main difference, to me, was the cost of the cake.  Vegan cakes are much more expensive than an ole vanilla box cake by Betty Crocker.  This is the resulting picture. This is the comparison picture between 2017 and 2009. London turned 12 just 10 days later and I sprung for a full vegan cake for him.  It was INCREDIBLE! A few days before his birthday we went to a party for Ruby who was turning 4 and Boston took this picture of his brother. I love when they take pictures on my phone, seeing the world through their eyes.

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