Tag: vulnerability

License PlateI’m at a point in my life where I believe that people who don’t struggle on a daily basis with at least one major issue aren’t in touch with life.  Who they really are, what they really want, how they really feel. I have been struggling with my internal feelings of being worthy and being good enough and have been thinking about this struggle a great deal.  This really expands on my life long belief that states “everyone has something.”

I have realized in my quest for understanding that people who struggle with that beautiful feeling of believing they are good enough, believing they are worthy… These people also struggle with feeling vulnerable.

I do an impressive job of looking like I have my life together despite some very tragic details.  My husband and I have been separated since July, my oldest daughter is dying from a genetic disease that I had hidden inside of me and I live with the guilt of marrying my oldest’s father after knowing him only a week (a detail which would have prevented this disease in my daughter). Guilt over being depressed, guilt over not finding some way (although it is truly nearly impossible) to help my 3 other children foster relationships with kids their own age.

Sometimes I struggle with leaving the house. I have always hated being confined to the house so this struggle is ironic since I can’t leave my house very often due to work, a sick child and a small vehicle.

I don’t really trust anyone to take care of my children except for me and I really don’t believe I do a very good job.  This is all deep down inside stuff.  If you asked me, rationally (and I am a rational person above all else), “do you think you’re a good mother” – I would say “yes!” and feel completely confident that dozens of people who know me would gladly stand up and say the same.

I have provided my children with some amazing life experiences.  Knowing what I know now I would have done more but this horrible disease called Batten Disease came along in 2009. Road trips, Make A Wish, Disney World, meeting distant relatives, putting a pool in the backyard, chickens, camping, thanksgiving dinner every week.  The list is impressive and yet I still feel like I am not good enough as a mother.

How can I really believe that I am not worthy as a mother with what I have accomplished?  I compare it to a licensed physician not feeling worthy to be a doctor.  

I have spent some time lately really considering myself, my life, my relationships.  My failures.  My successes. I have spent a lot of the past couple of weeks in tears.  It has been hard and I am so unbelievably far from myself but I wanted to come clean. On a blog. This is as close to a confessional booth as I will ever be.

I am capable of love and loving, even when there are no guarantees that my love will be returned. Most importantly I declare that I am worthy of love.

Happy 2014.  I am glad to be here. I started this year off with an airstream in my driveway which needs more work than I have any idea how to do, with 4 children asleep in their beds and with a promise to myself to live my life as emotionally naked as possible. With true authenticity I believe my dreams will come true and the good people will stay in my life and those that leave will be replaced by more authentic people who are worthy of MY love and time.