Tag: urn

It’s easier said than done.  Having your child die.

For years I could speak about having a terminally ill child quite easily as I had clearly removed myself from what that really meant.  I sit here next to a box of ashes that holds the true meaning of “terminally ill” and I am frozen.

After she was diagnosed with Juvenile Batten Disease I set out on many road trips to take her and my other 3 kids places, while we could.  Making the most of life, making loads of awesome memories.  On every road trip, as the kids were listening to books on tapes or watching a movie, my mind would always wander and I would think long and hard about what I wanted to do to celebrate her life when the time came.

My rule, without question, was to spread her ashes within 48 hours.

I have had her ashes for a week.

They sit next to me while I work, sit in my lap while I stare at the wall from the couch and they either lay next to me in bed or on the table next to where I sleep.

48 hours is long since gone and I can’t seem to part with her.  I’m a very pragmatic person but I guess the Mum in me has beat out the pragmatic side of me because I still can’t bring myself to let her ashes go.  I have gone on amazon and looked at urn necklaces and have purchased two of them.  They’re quite inexpensive, in comparison to how much an urn costs at a funeral home.  I think Julie would like one also and I think she is old enough to carry it around with her, emotionally.  She has had to live through this right along side me.

Here are the two necklaces that I have found and purchased so far (pics from amazon.com):

Tree of Life

(I think Julie will like this one):

Butterfly

I like this one.  When she was definitely dying I told her many times that it was ok to fly away like a butterfly. My friend, Anna, was right there with me and has a new butterfly tattoo in Rachel’s memory.  If this butterfly necklace does not suck I will get one for Anna also.  Friends like her don’t come around very often.

Well.  What do you think?

It’s crazy.  A positive pregnancy test turns into an ultrasound with a fetus.  Soon followed by kicks then a screaming baby.  Hopes and dreams for the future.  Milestones met.  First words, walking, running.  Getting into everything.

Difficult times in school.  ADD. Autism.  Encopresis.

Blindness

Batten Disease

Every possible hope and dream. My child.  Erased.  Literally turned into ashes.