I’ve been busting my ass this past month. Trying to bring myself back into the land of the living. Therapy, a physical, multiple medication appointments to slow my racing mind. I’m redoing our website for Geek Media in line with coming back from England. Headed to England in a week and a half.
I signed up to start a 500 hour, comprehensive, Yoga Teacher Training as I want to teach yoga classes for grief and healing.
Rachel died 188 days ago. 6 months without her, it feels like she died yesterday. People think that losing a child gets easier with time and I can say after 6 months it seems to be getting harder. I know I’ll never be “right” with her death. This trip to England should have been organized by Rachel, not taken in her memory.
London and Boston had their birthdays and my kiddos are now Forever 16, 13, 12 and 11.
I have been offered a part time job at amazon at night sorting packages for delivery. I’m actually looking forward to it despite the low wage. An excuse to get out of the house in a 1 million square foot facility, 4 minutes from home… I’ll be hitting my step goals for sure.
My thoughts are all over the place but I wanted to put them on paper. I’m trying to decide if I want to bring back my fundraising for Batten Disease. No one I know in Denver, now, knew Rachel. Could I get people interested? I finally started meeting people just in the last week out here. I had friends before she died here but everyone has pretty much disappeared. Anna hasn’t left me, and I know she never will, but we have a bit more distance between our houses.
I imagine its frustrating for those who haven’t been through losing a child because they want you back to the way you were, the person you were. The thing I enjoyed the most before she died terrifies me (4 wheeling). Be kind to myself is what I keep on hearing. Self care is another big phrase that gets spoken. I’m not even sure what self care is. I get sleep, I drink water and eat healthy and exercise but I think there is more to self care than just that. I have the rest of my life to figure it out.
I am definitely hoping to hold some kind of memorial for Rachel next year around her birthday in Massachusetts.
To fundraise for Batten Disease. That is the question…?
The featured image in this blog is me and my youngest in a yoga class in Denver.