Tag: reality

The triplets are taking a bike class at a recent Rec center all week. I didn’t know it was there, about 2 blocks from where Rachel was in school.

I have to drive past it 20 times this week. She isn’t inside in a classroom, waiting for donuts or me to bring her something. She isn’t anywhere.

My mind still lives in escape mode, that she is alive, she will just be back later. Passing buildings where she might be existing inside and return from “later” tears open my mind’s game and rips me back into reality.

The worst feeling I’ve ever felt.

I hate this life. The only escape is sleep and alcohol.

2014-03-19 17.29.45Rachel’s new school is full of people just like me and just like you with feelings, hopes, laughs and tears.  Young people who have been admitted to the school because they were born with (most) a disability or acquired one along the way like my Rachel.  I know that some of the kids there will probably attend the school until age 22 and will transition into the mainstream world.  I also know that due to privacy the staff is unable to divulge medical information to the other children about Rachel or her fate.  When I am visiting, different kids will strike up a conversation and I have started to tell them things about Rachel.  That she was totally normal and healthy, reminding them (especially the boys) that she is only 13, that she is blind.

Last night I told two of the other students that Rachel is terminal and the name of her disease (Batten Disease) so that they could read more about Rachel.

There is a boy at her school who is truly amazing.  He can maneuver his iPad with his feet faster than I can with my fingers.  He took a liking to Rachel over the summer when she was in summer camp at her new school and I have reminded him, specifically, that she is only 13 and a MINOR.  🙂 Last night at the theme dinner I told him about her disease and that she is terminal.  I also told him about her website that you are reading right now.

I think its only fair that the kids who care about her know that the Rachel you see today is not the Rachel that will be in a few years (and not the Rachel that I knew when a few  years ago).  It is heartbreaking, but only fair to let the other students who are cognitively capable of grasping her disease know what is to come.

Reality sucks but I’d rather be a realist.  Living an honest, pragmatic life has made living with this stupid disease much more bearable for me.  The picture is from dinner last night.  I had to threaten her to get a smile because she was so busy letting me stuff her face with mashed potatoes, gravy and chicken. <3