I feel like I have turned into a caterpillar these last few weeks.
I feel silly using the caterpillar to butterfly analogy. Like, please don’t bring it up to my face, but it’s such a valid feeling for me.
The last few years of my life have focused on taking care of my oldest daughter (first) and her younger siblings (second). I have tried to take care of my husband but mostly gave that job up except for a bout of vertigo this year.
I have sat at the very bottom of the list for a very long time. I think that this is a common practice, for women (especially mothers) take care of everyone else before themselves.
It’s time to re-evaluate things and put myself at the top of the list.
Last week London hit his head really hard and was unable to remember the last few weeks and every 15 seconds was asking me the same questions over and over again. What is today? Why am I not at school? Where is Dad? What happened? Why am I bleeding?
He cut his lip open and was bleeding and the questions didn’t stop coming and his short term memory didn’t return so I drove him to the hospital.
I will never understand how I have the ability to stay completely calm but I am very glad that I am not one to “freak out” in an emergency. I drove him to the emergency room for an exam because I wanted to make sure his brain was okay. After a cat scan and a popsicle he was ruled to be okay and sent home. Gradually that afternoon and evening his short term memory started working normally again (the biggest feeling of relief in my life). Having one sick child does not protect your healthy kids from harm, disease, accidents. That would be fair but life doesn’t work that way.
Life is so short and London’s head injury brought everything I am working towards to the surface. In some regards I have been putting off my morphing to keep my marriage together, to keep my house together, to keep my sanity together. How can you really live if you put off your life for other people? Its time I stuff myself with leaves, wrap myself up, hang from my feet and wrap my body in silk.
Keep taking baby steps and before I know it, I will be myself again. Myself, only happier and more wise. I am so glad London is okay and that I no longer suffer from depersonalization and derealization. Feeling outside of my body was very, very scary but if I “get it” again, I will look back at that time and know I survived it once and can survive it again.