Tag: kids

I wanted to perch the urn on the tree behind them but I didn’t do it for their sake. Julie starts 8th, London 6th and a Boston 5th.  They are all taking a bunch of science classes in their Friday Homeschooling Enrichment. Julie is super excited about sewing class, one step closer to being ready for the zombie apocalypse….. 🙂

I am missing their sister like crazy. I was definitely a ball of tears on the drive to the kids Friday school.

My kids are tasked with blogging several times a month in order to work on their writing skills.  They have a lot of unanswered blogs, probably about topics that don’t always interest you (or me haha, kidding, yes, kidding)…. Some of the things they write about I know nothing about.  But, they still take the time to write them, mainly because I make them, so I am going to make sure each one is read with a meaningful comment.  I have gotten behind in the last couple of months. No Mom is perfect…

Can you take the time to read a blog or two and post an encouraging comment?

It would mean the world to me.

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I’m up to my eyes in debt since my x ran off to find himself. It literally makes me want to die and I don’t know what to do. I’ve spent the last year living off of credit cards just to support my family. It makes me feel sick on the daily and I lose a lot of sleep over this every week.

Ready to live on cash and need to find a way to start chipping away at this mountain before it crushes me. Where do I begin?

My 12 year old is pretty mature for his age and has a few older step brothers. He’s been exposed to lots of stuff and has a mature sense of humor.

I keep hearing that the movie is R rated but that its not appropriate. He has seen too many R rated movies to count and enjoyed most of them (as much as any adult would have). What’s your take? Do you think Deadpool is too mature? Like, really really R rated?

Boston, London and Julie at Hull Gut, Peddocks Island in Hull, MA, March 2015

I’ve been wanting to write this post for months but have had such a hard time coming up with the right words.  This is a problem I never seem to have but it has been so hard for me because I’m too close to the problem.  I’m not sure that makes sense, my head feels crazy every weekend and sometimes I want to sleep it away. Continue reading “Dreading the weekends” »

Not the best pictures (too many pictures to edit!!!!) but they’ll do! <3  Thank you so much to Sue for having us over yet again, being super generous and awesome and drinking margaritas with me at 10am.  <3 Continue reading “Easter 2015” »

To put it as directly as possible: my oldest daughter is dying, I’m a single Mom and life is a bit tough at present.

I realized that I was due for a magnificent stress relief yesterday. I was at the bus stop putting my daughter on her bus with my Mother at my side. It was not a regular moment, my Mom was in from Boston visiting myself and my children. I had let my daughter stay home all week from school so she could spend every waking moment within fingers’ reach of my Mom. Continue reading “Grief Released” »

For Thanksgiving we had a great time at the Schnelker household who graciously offered their home for Thanksgiving:

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american flagToday the kids and I took yesterday’s election to discuss, in very basic terms, the branches of government and the differences between the “Democrat” and the “Republican” parties. It was really neat to go over what the major issues are and to explain to kids the stance that each main party takes. What was my favorite part was telling the kids where I stand on the major issues and hearing what their gut feeling was (which was not necessarily in agreement with me).

Informing them that their amount of political ads that they saw on TV is going to, most likely TRIPLE in 2 years when we include a new presidential election… well, they were pretty upset.

Here is the list of political issues I discussed with them.

2014-03-08 09.44.19-1I feel like I have turned into a caterpillar these last few weeks.

I feel silly using the caterpillar to butterfly analogy. Like, please don’t bring it up to my face, but it’s such a valid feeling for me.

The last few years of my life have focused on taking care of my oldest daughter (first) and her younger siblings (second). I have tried to take care of my husband but mostly gave that job up except for a bout of vertigo this year.

I have sat at the very bottom of the list for a very long time. I think that this is a common practice, for women (especially mothers) take care of everyone else before themselves.

It’s time to re-evaluate things and put myself at the top of the list.

2014-03-04 16.46.40Last week London hit his head really hard and was unable to remember the last few weeks and every 15 seconds was asking me the same questions over and over again.  What is today?  Why am I not at school? Where is Dad? What happened? Why am I bleeding?

He cut his lip open and was bleeding and the questions didn’t stop coming and his short term memory didn’t return so I drove him to the hospital.

I will never understand how I have the ability to stay completely calm but I am very glad that I am not one to “freak out” in an emergency.  I drove him to the emergency room for an exam because I wanted to make sure his brain was okay.  After a cat scan and a popsicle he was ruled to be okay and sent home.  Gradually that afternoon and evening his short term memory started working normally again (the biggest feeling of relief in my life).  Having one sick child does not protect your healthy kids from harm, disease, accidents. That would be fair but life doesn’t work that way.

Life is so short and London’s head injury brought everything I am working towards to the surface.  In some regards I have been putting off my morphing to keep my marriage together, to keep my house together, to keep my sanity together. How can you really live if you put off your life for other people?  Its time I stuff myself with leaves, wrap myself up, hang from my feet and wrap my body in silk.

Keep taking baby steps and before I know it, I will be myself again.  Myself, only happier and more wise.  I am so glad London is okay and that I no longer suffer from depersonalization and derealization.  Feeling outside of my body was very, very scary but if I “get it” again, I will look back at that time and know I survived it once and can survive it again.

 

Another installment of my life is below. Life is not always Facebook pretty.

This morning: So picture me in yesterday’s yoga pants and tank top with plaid shirt over the top. I’m doing my morning chores, a little more relaxed because school is closed today due to the winter storm that is finishing up. While I’m making coffee, getting my 13 year old on the toilet to pee, drawing her bath, dishes, laundry, etc… I’m also reliving yesterday. Going through my head are the scenes from last night… And I step in dog poop in my new $10 flip flops from Santa.

I promise that I let the dog live. I didn’t want to…

Last night: The kids have been home for 2 weeks. I made a beautiful ham dinner that I call “thanksgiving” and it’s the same dinner I make every week to show gratitude weekly rather than yearly. Ham, gravy, peas, cranberry sauce, and special mashed potatoes. It’s pretty awesome and a favorite with my kids.

I call my kids in to the kitchen so I can make them a plate because, like us grow ups, kids don’t all like the same exact combo. 1 hates gravy, 1 loves cranberry sauce, 1 wants meat ONLY and the other needs small bites with extra gravy in a bowl with delivery.

So I’m feeling like a slave. I’m stressed. Money is tight post Christmas and I just got another property tax bill and I’m awaiting a giant gas bill from having to keep the heat higher than ever (in my entire life) so Rachel’s toes don’t’ fall off from circulation issues.

So I’m stressed. Feeling financial pressure. I’m stuck inside another day.

I finally make myself a plate and walk into the dining area. One of my children has removed all of the chairs to make a fort and there is nowhere to sit. No one looks up or waits for me to eat. I’m a provider of sustenance who is stressed out and tired.

And I lose my shit.

Threw my dinner out. Chewed one of my kids out. Stormed off into the kitchen and chucked my dinner plate into the sink and it smashes. Everywhere. Three kids sniffling over their dinners, one confused and refuses to eat. I feel horrible.

I start cleaning up the mess in the kitchen and doing the dishes. I call their Dad on the phone to be backup and he is unavailable.

I’m a mess. Stressed out. Emotionally spent. Help is not coming.

I get one son bathed and send my other son in for a bath afterwards. I’ve tasked my healthy daughter to play with her sister. I’m still in the kitchen.

And then Rachel has a horribly magnificent seizure. She turns blue. I feel like I’m outside my body. I’ve just freaked my kids out and now they are freaked out seeing and hearing their sister.

And now I’m crying, holding my daughter, turning her head to the side, feeling her saliva roll down my hand. I call my best friend and cry on the phone while Rachel is still seizing and tell her “I quit.”

I’m not cut out for this.

No one is.

I finally tracked my husband down and got him to come to the house to reassure the kids. There is no pride to swallow.

Another snow day today and I rescinded my resignation.

During our time together this morning my Julie shared this poem with me after I shared a bit of my pain with her, stressing that the best part of our lives has yet to happen.  Which is a light at the end of the tunnel of darkness we are going through now.  She is an amazing child.  I believe she drew this poem from her time in 3rd grade last year with Mrs Buttkus:

Mother to Son

BY LANGSTON HUGHES

Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So boy, don’t you turn back.
Don’t you set down on the steps
’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.
Don’t you fall now—
For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

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Rachel had another grand Mal on friday night, this one was while we were at a carnival sitting in the very top of the zipper. We were tipping back and forth as they were loading people into each car waiting for the ride to start and she starts convulsing. John was on another ride with Julie, London and Boston on the other side of carnival. I got Rachel away from the cage so she wouldn’t bang her head and started yelling down to the short line “Stop the ride, stop the ride, my daughter is having a seizure.”. Not sure if the ride attendants understood me but someone got them to stop and bring our cage back to the ground so I could get out with her as she was still seizing. When we got down I looked at the most capable teenagers to go to John (good thing he was wearing a lot of lime green and is really tall so is easy to recognize) and he came running.

She went home with John and I stayed with Julie and the boys and after my adrenaline stopped pumping we finished out the night on a good note. It is very important to me that Julie, London and Boston keep as normal as possible and not let Rachel’s disease overshadow every childhood memory.

The best part is that we all went back on Saturday night and Rachel and Julie both rode the zipper… TWICE! 🙂

really great kids