Tag: family

I’ve been busting my ass this past month.  Trying to bring myself back into the land of the living.  Therapy, a physical, multiple medication appointments to slow my racing mind.  I’m redoing our website for Geek Media in line with coming back from England.  Headed to England in a week and a half.

I signed up to start a 500 hour, comprehensive, Yoga Teacher Training as I want to teach yoga classes for grief and healing.  

Rachel died 188 days ago.  6 months without her, it feels like she died yesterday.  People think that losing a child gets easier with time and I can say after 6 months it seems to be getting harder.  I know I’ll never be “right” with her death.  This trip to England should have been organized by Rachel, not taken in her memory.

London and Boston had their birthdays and my kiddos are now Forever 16, 13, 12 and 11.  

I have been offered a part time job at amazon at night sorting packages for delivery.  I’m actually looking forward to it despite the low wage.  An excuse to get out of the house in a 1 million square foot facility, 4 minutes from home… I’ll be hitting my step goals for sure.

My thoughts are all over the place but I wanted to put them on paper. I’m trying to decide if I want to bring back my fundraising for Batten Disease.  No one I know in Denver, now, knew Rachel. Could I get people interested?  I finally started meeting people just in the last week out here. I had friends before she died here but everyone has pretty much disappeared.  Anna hasn’t left me, and I know she never will, but we have a bit more distance between our houses.

I imagine its frustrating for those who haven’t been through losing a child because they want you back to the way you were, the person you were.  The thing I enjoyed the most before she died terrifies me (4 wheeling).  Be kind to myself is what I keep on hearing.  Self care is another big phrase that gets spoken.  I’m not even sure what self care is.  I get sleep, I drink water and eat healthy and exercise but I think there is more to self care than just that. I have the rest of my life to figure it out.

I am definitely hoping to hold some kind of memorial for Rachel next year around her birthday in Massachusetts.

To fundraise for Batten Disease.  That is the question…?

The featured image in this blog is me and my youngest in a yoga class in Denver.

julie camping in jeep wrangler 2015 jku

Took the kids camping a week or two ago and had a great time!  Looking forward to getting out there and doing more primitive camping.  We had no problems eating vegan and were all quite cozy.  Julie slept in my jeep, the boys slept in a 2 man tent and Todd and I slept on an air mattress in my Eureka Tent (Colorado made).

Julie even took her first turn behind the steering wheel!

julie camping in jeep wrangler 2015 jku

A few days ago I went To Hull, Massachusetts And it was really fun. On the Airplane to there I watched Spongebob Squarepants. The free water was nice and i got another bottle on the plane. At  first i was scared But then when we were in the air I loved it. It felt really short. when we got off the airplane we had to go on a Bus then after we had McDonald for dinner. Me and granddad Ate medium fries and Coke. Then we got on a train to Hingham then Granny picked us up. then we met two people that are granny’s sister and niece. There names are Mark and Sylvia Briggs. We went to Granny’s & Granddad’s  new house called Portland. We went there and had dinner. I think it was Mac’n’cheese. we also had some Dr.Pepper. Then we went back to there old house to go to sleep.

The next day I had cereal for breakfast and orange juice. Granny said we were going to Christmas tree shop, Sports authority , then Cape cod super buffet, Then the Mall, I got a Hoodie and London bag from Marshall. We then went back to the Older house. Then we put are stuff away and had dinner. After that we went to bed. The next day was Friday. i woke a little late. but Me ,Granny and Sylvia.  Granny & Sylvia put Wood in the back of Granny’s car then we drove to Adrian’s house to Deliver the wood . Me and my cousins put the wood in the backyard. After we went to Portland and watch TV. After TV I went to the backyard to play on the Pirate ship. It was fun then when I went back inside Mark and Granddad were back. We had Lunch there and then After a little We went to Adrian’s it was nice there me Abby and her sisters Cousin played Super smash brawls. we were all good but then we got tired then we went outside.  we roasted marshmallow and played tag. It was all fun put we had to go back and rest because we were all tired.

In the morning I was on time And Ate. granny was a little late. when we got to Portland Granny, Mark, and Sylvia had an idea to walk to Dunkin donuts. Granny didn’t go but it was still fun. I had two butternuts and a powerade. I went to My Moms friend House. her name is Sue. We made rockets with her friends Kids. after we Made them we tested them . only one failed but then we played football. I  got a interception. I was happy. they had to leave. Sue gave me a little Bottle of orange soda. After we went back We played, Ate and watched TV. we went to The movies and Savers. Only me and mark watched the movie Goosebumps. we went to saver. I got 11 books and A DVD. then we went. to bed. On Monday Mark and Sylvia had to leave back to England. I was sad they had to leave. When they left we didn’t do much. The next Day I got to see my Uncle Clive.  We played hangman together. after he left. We went To Hingham saving, Friendly’s and riddle. we went to riddle because they had so many cans. so We put them in a machine and got 5 cents per can . Then end total Was $2.40. I got the money and i bought a back of Bubblegum. Then I got to see my old teacher, Mrs. Donato. She bring Brownies, Cookies and Gummy bears. We played Hangman. then when she left we went to bed. Then next day we had to go Back home. I wish I had another day. This was The last Day. Whe had to wake up at 4:30 am. we got on the plane at 7:30. Watched TV and the map of the United states. When we got off the plane we went on a Train then went in the car. This was the end of my Vacation.

Nantasket Beach in Hull Massachusetts

We’ve been in Boston (well, Hull Massachusetts overlooking Nantasket Beach) since Sunday and have seen so many people we love and miss.  Friends and family.  People who have seen Rachel decline since 2009 and were able to hide their sadness after seeing her decline of 9 months (since we moved) better than I expected.  I have only cried once since being here, maybe twice.  Not bad, all things considered. Continue reading “Hull, Massachusetts trip during Easter 2015” »

To put it as directly as possible: my oldest daughter is dying, I’m a single Mom and life is a bit tough at present.

I realized that I was due for a magnificent stress relief yesterday. I was at the bus stop putting my daughter on her bus with my Mother at my side. It was not a regular moment, my Mom was in from Boston visiting myself and my children. I had let my daughter stay home all week from school so she could spend every waking moment within fingers’ reach of my Mom. Continue reading “Grief Released” »

London is a place that my family came from but I have never been there but I want to go and I am also named after London But the place is called England. The have a really cool flag that looks like a cross with the color of Blue,Red,and White. They have a ride called the London Eye and a clock tower called Big Ben.

When at night the London Eye is beautiful  from the pictures I see. The pilgrims use to live in England.

 

For Thanksgiving we had a great time at the Schnelker household who graciously offered their home for Thanksgiving:

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crazytimeEarlier this year I read a book called Crazy Time, it was recommended to me by my husband (who I am currently separated from) to help get through the emotions / motions of separation, divorce or whatever label you want to put on where we are at.  Here is a link to the book on Amazon, its actually a pretty good read that explains a lot about relationships (not just romantic ones).


Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Rebuilding a New Life


The funny part about the book in relationship to my life is that you really can’t just build a new life when you have kids, have a dying child and work with your spouse.  Splitting up is easy enough to do, just have some wine or whiskey on hand for when the nights get lonely.  But its the aftermath of the split that you have to be super careful with when you have children.  It’s especially hard with a sick child, and having a special needs or terminally ill child will often bring families to the edge of divorce.  Loving my children means loving their father, he hasn’t done anything to me or our children that makes our damage irreversible.


It is be so easy to hate the other parent.  It is so unbelievably easy to feel angry and resentful.  I was honestly in that place for several weeks.


In the space between my spouse and myself I have learned about self discovery. And within my period of self-discovery (which is thankfully still ongoing) I have found within myself the gift of love and of forgiveness.  To forgive myself, to forgive my husband, to try and see past the negative aspects of my life that have brought me to where I am right now.  To love, to forgive to live despite some pretty miserable circumstances and to see the light in my life when there is a lot of darkness.


My life is certainly not where I want it to be.  I’d like a Norman Rockwell life.  But really, I ask you, does that kind of life actually exist?  On TV we are being sold a false bill of goods that is absolutely unattainable and leaving people feeling low, like they have fallen short.  I won’t feed into the media, into the mainstream and judge my life against what society / media  tells us life should be like.


If I can love my children, their Dad, my life in a deep and meaningful way I know I can truly sleep at night with peace in my heart. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done (change the way I think on a primal level) but it is proving to be the most rewarding change I have ever made.


As one of my favorite musicians ever, John Lennon, said it best with the song “All You Need is Love.”


It’s the most simple, clean truth there is.


My life *IS* crazy time but I live with 4 young children and the oldest is blind, can barely walk and has dementia. Imagine old lady dementia in a hormonal 13 year old.  It is pretty horrible, truth be told. Approach my kind of life with fear and anger and the results are unbearable.  Approach it with love, a sense of humor and a light attitude and the rewards can be endless. Crazy Time.  Embrace it no matter what “Crazy Time” means to you in your life.