Tag: divorce

debt graphic

I’m up to my eyes in debt since my x ran off to find himself. It literally makes me want to die and I don’t know what to do. I’ve spent the last year living off of credit cards just to support my family. It makes me feel sick on the daily and I lose a lot of sleep over this every week.

Ready to live on cash and need to find a way to start chipping away at this mountain before it crushes me. Where do I begin?

The merry go round that is my life seems to be spinning faster these days. John moved to Denver on Friday and is staying with us for 10 days. It is pretty interesting to have him in my home after so many months apart and so many bad feelings between us. This is for the kids and hopefully we will be able to be somewhat nice to each other for them. Continue reading “December 8th, 2014” »

A lot of very big decisions need to be made.  Until they are said and done I feel like I am being robbed of my happy.  Its silly to let “the now” rob of your happy but sometimes we don’t have a choice.

I was separated from my husband for 6 months last year and have filed for divorce 3 times.  Husband came home in January at my suggestion when he was having some health issues. We are at a stale mate and he won’t separate again, and you can’t force someone to move out of the house if they are on the mortgage. We are both in ABSOLUTE agreement that we are divorcing.

So the next step is to put the house on the market.  Soon.

Last Friday I took Rachel out of her residential school after one month and am working on figuring out where to have her go next.  She and I both vote that she returns to the local middle school for now.

I also need to sort out a vehicle that will fit all of my children and a wheel chair.  Preferably that can pull an airstream or I am going to have to sell it.  The kids are so excited about the Airstream, as am I, so that would be a crazy shame considering Rachel CAN CAMP with us in it!!!

College (for me) starts back up in 5 days.  Hopefully the DCFS “investigation” will be done by then.  DCFS was called  because “someone” was “concerned” about my ability to care for Rachel.  The child doesn’t miss a meal, a bath or her meds.  So aggravating.

crazytimeEarlier this year I read a book called Crazy Time, it was recommended to me by my husband (who I am currently separated from) to help get through the emotions / motions of separation, divorce or whatever label you want to put on where we are at.  Here is a link to the book on Amazon, its actually a pretty good read that explains a lot about relationships (not just romantic ones).

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Rebuilding a New Life

The funny part about the book in relationship to my life is that you really can’t just build a new life when you have kids, have a dying child and work with your spouse.  Splitting up is easy enough to do, just have some wine or whiskey on hand for when the nights get lonely.  But its the aftermath of the split that you have to be super careful with when you have children.  It’s especially hard with a sick child, and having a special needs or terminally ill child will often bring families to the edge of divorce.  Loving my children means loving their father, he hasn’t done anything to me or our children that makes our damage irreversible.

It is be so easy to hate the other parent.  It is so unbelievably easy to feel angry and resentful.  I was honestly in that place for several weeks.

In the space between my spouse and myself I have learned about self discovery. And within my period of self-discovery (which is thankfully still ongoing) I have found within myself the gift of love and of forgiveness.  To forgive myself, to forgive my husband, to try and see past the negative aspects of my life that have brought me to where I am right now.  To love, to forgive to live despite some pretty miserable circumstances and to see the light in my life when there is a lot of darkness.

My life is certainly not where I want it to be.  I’d like a Norman Rockwell life.  But really, I ask you, does that kind of life actually exist?  On TV we are being sold a false bill of goods that is absolutely unattainable and leaving people feeling low, like they have fallen short.  I won’t feed into the media, into the mainstream and judge my life against what society / media  tells us life should be like.

If I can love my children, their Dad, my life in a deep and meaningful way I know I can truly sleep at night with peace in my heart. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever done (change the way I think on a primal level) but it is proving to be the most rewarding change I have ever made.

As one of my favorite musicians ever, John Lennon, said it best with the song “All You Need is Love.”

It’s the most simple, clean truth there is.

My life *IS* crazy time but I live with 4 young children and the oldest is blind, can barely walk and has dementia. Imagine old lady dementia in a hormonal 13 year old.  It is pretty horrible, truth be told. Approach my kind of life with fear and anger and the results are unbearable.  Approach it with love, a sense of humor and a light attitude and the rewards can be endless. Crazy Time.  Embrace it no matter what “Crazy Time” means to you in your life.

It’s a big deal to me to keep the Christmas spirit alive in a houseful of 4 children who are dealing with their parents being separated for the first holiday season.  I’ve tried to take great care in making sure things are as normal as possible and on schedule as usual to help ease them into the transition.  Today I had them write their letters to Santa and here is what we came up with:

Rachel’s list (yes, my handwriting isn’t so great).


Julie (love #3)


London (cellphone, nerf rifle and movie tickets) lol


Boston (who shocked me at having the lowest priced items on his list)


Watching my husband for the last two years and seeing all of the changes he has attempted (some successful, some failed), some good, some bad.  I realize that I have silently been on a journey of my own.  I will be turning 35 in 6 weeks and I am the proud mother of 4.  By my next (36th) birthday I hope to have finalized the legalities with my husband after our 10 year marriage, and that our journey as friends will have developed to a place where we can peacefully and pleasantly co-raise great kids (I wrote 4 great kids, then 3, then 4 and have decided to cut the number out because it sucks to write 3 when you currently have 4 children).

I became a mother at age 21, by choice.  I’ve spent the last 14 years raising children and focusing on my kids and lots of things (and taking care of people) other than myself.  Since Rachel’s diagnosis I’ve spent a lot of time organizing her care (medical/educational) and I’ve been working super hard to give all 4 of my children awesome experiences to ensure that my 3 unaffected children  look back and feel they had a good childhood.  I’ve also worked at raising awareness for Juvenile Batten Disease (Batten Disease in general) and have raised thousands of dollars.  It has been important to me to do this because her disease is 100% fatal and I can’t look back on this and wish I had done more. Medically, there is nothing I can do to cure her, I need to do what I can to help others that will be dignosed in future.  If gene therapy starts working, there is a chance that with more research and funding they will be able to provide a treatment for this disease.

Within the last year or so I started to look at myself and I’ve made some changes (slowly, very slowly) and sometimes it has been 2 steps forward, 1 step back.  Lots of silent tears have been shed, lots of nights I went to bed early because, as we have all experienced, some nights are easier cut short rather than stay up and wallow.

I’ve spent more time with my friends, got back into Jeeps (<3) and started eating better.  I recently started seeing a new therapist who is helping me transition into the next stage of my life and last week she asked me where I want to be at the end of this. I quickly rattled off my answer to her and the look she gave me made it clear she really wants me to think about this. I realized that while I can fire off a short answer, I deserve to think it through and come up with a longer, more detailed answer.  A picture for my future.  I know the picture includes me in flip flops with toenails matching my jeep with kids at my side, but the rest is pretty blurry. I’m looking forward to wading through that fog and sketching out a clear drawing then coloring it in as time goes by.

Life is good, even in the midst of struggle, hurt and disease.  Life has been very good to me.

Let us toast to our lives with this merlot snow cone that my 6 year old suggested to me at a birthday party for the remarkable baby Charlie.  It was a great idea, Boston.