I did keep about a soda can’s worth of “her” because I couldn’t let go and I want some for necklaces in the future or to plant a tree with when I buy a house again. Julie, London, Boston, my Auntie Alison and her daughter – Cousin Zoe we’re all there. I found a beautiful tree in one of London’sRoyal parks called Bushy Park. Todd and my parents had not flown to England when we spread the ashes but Todd took this picture when he did arrive. I miss her so much.
It’s easier said than done. Having your child die. For years I could speak about having a terminally ill child quite easily as I had clearly removed myself from what that really meant. I sit here next to a box of ashes that holds the true meaning of “terminally ill” and I am frozen. After she was diagnosed with Juvenile Batten Disease I set out on many road trips to take her and my other 3 kids places, while we could. Making the most of life, making loads of awesome memories. On every road trip, as the kids were listening to books on tapes or watching a movie, my mind would always wander and I would think long and hard about what I wanted to do to celebrate her life when the time came. My rule, without question, was to spread her ashes within 48 hours. I have had her ashes for a week. They sit next to me while I work, sit in my lap while I stare at the wall from the couch and they either lay next to me in bed or on the table next to where I sleep. 48 hours is long since gone and(read the rest)
No matter how many years you have to prepare, you’ll never be ready to say goodbye to your child. She deserved a better, real, life. I tried to make the most out of the life she had. She was my #1 pain in the ass and the feeling of emptiness she has left in our lives is greater than I could have imagined. As we move forward the kids and I have to try and find ways to fill in the void a little at a time. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, Rachel and my children through this. It definitely takes a village to live through some of the shit that life puts out. I booked a handicap accessible house in MOAB a few months ago and tomorrow we leave, without her. It feels wrong to go on holiday but it’s non-refundable and the condo has a pool. Swimming and sun will be good for the kids, getting out of this house will be good for me. 🙁