Tag: Bucket List

begin again after child dies

It has been ten weeks since Rachel died and it has been pretty rough. So easy to fall apart and just sit with the grief.  Living with the grief can easily kill a person.  It’s not just the fact that she is dead, I’m only now starting to deal with the disease and what it did to her.  The disease took away so much from her over 10 years and I was too busy being a Mom to process the disease.  Being a Mom without Rachel takes up way less time now so being sad and thinking about things, being left with my own thoughts, can bring me to the edge.

I’ve been struggling with good days and bad. I’ve stopped talking to just about everyone I know.  Left with my own thoughts.

The Colorado summer sun arrived and my ability to continue walking and get my steps in got really hard last week.  So… I joined Planet Fitness and have been going there everyday since.  I have tried tanning twice and my white parts are red.  I don’t think tanning is for me.

Last week I gave myself 14 days.  If I couldn’t make a noticeable improvement within myself, I would call a therapist.  I would rather LIVE my LIFE than have to talk to someone who just won’t get what I’ve been through.  So here I am, killing it. Mostly. #betterthanagriefgroup

The kids are keeping up with their fitbit steps and are starting to visit the library (solo) on a daily basis so I can get some work done.  Boston is in Boston for several days.  Next weekend London is spending his first weekend with his father and I am taking Julie camping so we can help our friends build their tiny home.

The featured picture in this post is to announce that the kids and I are saving up to fly to London this fall. Norwegian is drastically discounting Denver to Gatwick direct and we’re all working towards saving up.  London!!!! It is something Rachel wanted to do but wasn’t in the cards with finances, divorce, timing and her decline.

codzilla on boston harbor

I have wanted to take the kids on codzilla for about 2 years.  Maybe 1 year.  I forget. 🙂

We are going on Codzilla this sunday and will then be able to cross another item off our bucket list.  So excited!

Here is codzilla info: http://www.bostonharborcruises.com/codzilla/

I took Rachel to her second appointment with her Pediatric Rheumatologist and he confirmed that she does have Lupus, also known as Systemic Lupus Erthymisomethingerother. How does a beautiful and innocent kid end up getting an early death sentence and Lupus? It’s total bullshit and rather than be angry this fine evening I would like to pose a question to those folks that still read my infrequently updated blog.

What do you live for?

Last year I spent many weeks living to cross off items on the bucket list, taking my kids to multiple states and experiencing all sorts of awesome things. Already this year I have driven my kids down to Florida and back and watched the miracle of Rachel and London learn how to swim. I have personally been living to make sure Rachel, Julie, London and Boston get to experience countless amazing days while Rachel can.

This year I want to continue this mission but maybe travel a little less (my new Jeep is not so good with gas mileage). Planning on sharpening our camping skills, maybe get a little sailboat. I’m looking for more adventuring ideas, things to enjoy, experience, to LIVE for.

So… What do you live for?

Took this picture of Rachel today. We clocked 100 miles with the Jeep’s top down today. It was 65 degrees in Massachusetts today!

Let’s see. Me and the kids planned a Trip of a Lifetime from Boston to Colorado, stopping to see family in Kansas City. The goal of the trip was to see the Flying W Christmas Round-up (Bucket List item).

It didn’t quite happen that way.

My minivan broke down in PA (water pump died and overheating commenced).

Once the van was fixed we hit lots of snow.

We ended up getting to Kansas City and stayed a few days but saw more weather heading through Colorado and Kansas and I decided it was safer to drive home.

I will do this trip again next year (earlier in the Flying W Christmas Season) and we will GET THERE!!!!

Rachel has been suffering from a nasty rash.  It started off slow around her shoulders and it has progressed down her body, leaving a whiteness in the pigmentation of her skin.  I’m concerned that it is an autoimmune rash and actually brought her to the doctor on Tuesday for an exam and blood work.  I asked the doctor to test her for Lupus markers and hopefully we’ll know in the next couple of days.  The rash is nasty and seemingly unrelated to medication or Batten Disease.  She is quite uncomfortable because its currently in her inner and outer thigh area so hopefully that will clear up or move soon. I’m also waiting on a Dermatology referral to Boston Medical Center.

 

Good News!  We are (me and the 4 kids) headed to Colorado for a quick trip to see the most AMAZING friends  and family in Kansas City and to cross The Flying W Christmas Round-Up from our Bucket List. Rachel has loved the Flying W since she was an infant so this should be a truly remarkable experience for her and for the other kids.  They are STOKED about going to the 8pm showing so they get to stay up!

 

This Saturday I am taking the kids (with the help of my Mom) to the Make-A-Wish Christmas party at Boston’s Logan Airport.  Apparently they have the party *IN* the Delta Airlines Hangar so I am really excited for the kids to see that.

 

Merry Christmas. 🙂  Today’s picture is the kids with Santa, taken at the Hull MA Carousel Shop.  I’ve put this picture in our yearly business Christmas card.  🙂

I scooped John and the kids up and took them to Maine for the weekend. We had a great time although I had promised to tray and do some sledding or snow tubing. We met a family of chickens and a herd of alpacas, went swimming and hot tubbing and took the kiddos into a sauna for the first time. We even brought home 3 dozen farm fresh eggs which have already begun the transformation into baked goods. 🙂

Here are some of the pictures which I will directly share from facebook (you don’t need a facebook account to see ’em).

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=374918&id=266424125552

We had THE BEST time! Here is my favorite picture of Rachel from the weekend. Just goes to show that you don’t have to see well to have a fun and full life. Experiences like this are more valuable to Rachel than to a sighted child because of her tactile senses.

I think I think I did a sufficient job at flipping Batten Disease off this weekend. Tomorrow morning we’re going ice skating for an hour. Can’t wait! Gotta get them into a swimming pool more often. They love the water (just like their Momma) and love the hottub (just like their Daddy).