I gave up working on the steps I am taking to a somewhat normal life during the last 7 or 8 days. This past week has been a blur and has felt so strange, very not normal. The only two feelings that keep coming to mind are:
1. I feel like I have left my baby in the maternity ward and I am home. I should be with her. It is painfully quiet at night without her yelling for me.
The first night I had the wind taken from my lungs when I snuck past her bed (in the dining room) to grab a glass of water before I went to sleep. I looked over toward her bed on my way into the kitchen and saw she wasn’t there. The resulting feeling was terrible. That feeling was actually worse than how I felt when I had unpacked her stuff and settled into her new room and walked away from her hospital cottage with an empty suitcase. AN EMPTY SUITCASE.
2. This is similar to how I will feel when she is gone forever. I’m sure friends who have lost children will tell me I have no idea what I am talking about and I respect that but this is a real feeling and it is mine. At some point, long before should ever be possible in a parent’s worst nightmare I will lose my Rachel and my house, her room, her voice will be quiet forever.
I’m holding up incredibly well. She had a rough couple of days and I am sure the nursing staff is sick of seeing my (303) area code number show up but until I feel fully confident I am going to call as often as I think I need to. I did this job for 5 years with her disease and I know every facet of it. They forgot to send home her weekend medications on Friday but I was able to purchase what she needed for the weekend from our locally owned pharmacy. There were a few other issues which they are hopefully working out. A transition this giant can’t be perfect.
I want to lay in the street in front of my house and scream “I just want my baby back” but she is not coming home. This disease has robbed her of so much and none of us will ever be the same.
Letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done. Admitting that someone else could take care of her better than I could was the strongest thing I have ever done.
I’m exhausted but so glad to be alive and healthy.